Parental Guidance: Those Who Have an Ear

Six months into an exciting, engaging, and exhilarating romantic relationship with my then-best-friend-now-girlfriend, my initial belief in the utmost significance of communication in fostering honesty, openness, and strong bonds of the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual kind has been gradually but steadily reinforced, applied, and lived out. From talking about the spiritual (faith and the rule of God) to the physical (health and food choices) to the musical (Scarypoolparty and Songland) to the extra special (travel plans and future goals), J and I have had awesome hours talking to each other, exchanging ideas and points of view as we both have a particular knack for meaningful dialogue and clever conversations.

One major factor for our robust discussions is our ability to listen attentively while the other is talking. We both do love to talk -- a lot -- but we've come to a realization that in order to have effective communication in a relationship, we have to use our ears as much as -- perhaps even more than -- we use our mouths.

Listening is an integral part of the communication process, and healthy communication is essential in relationships of any kind if they are to thrive... not just survive.

As I was pondering on the principle of how having a ready and steady listening ear is vital to human connections, I was brought back to my days of teaching when I would often hear my teenage students express their frustration over certain life situations because they felt they were not understood, let alone heard, by their parents. My heart would usually break for these young people, and my thoughts would circle around their parents and how they were raising up their children.

In the last five years of having served my congregation as the coordinator for small groups, and having occasional counselling sessions with unbelievers outside the church, I have learned one simple but crucial thing: a big percentage of dealing with people and their problems is mainly listening to them and let them air out their thoughts, grievances, and frustrations. I found that even when I didn't have the smartest advice to give or couldn't utter the most passionate of prayers over them, the time I took to hear them out and listen to them has pretty much helped in the form of cathartic confession on their part. And confession, according to a famous adage, is good for the soul.

Being heard and knowing that somebody cares enough to listen to you and your life situation is very encouraging and affirming to any adult, especially when all of life's challenges and pressures are taken into consideration. Even when no solution is instantly offered, the very fact that one is able to speak freely to a sincere listener, and therefore expunge the contents of their soul, gives the burdened person a sense of relief and connection.

Imagine what that would do for children: if we actually paid attention and listened to them, to their thoughts, opinions, joys, fears, frustrations, and dreams. Imagine how healthy their emotions would be if those were allowed to be aired out, validated, and given the necessary guidance instead of letting those emotions fester and die inside them... or, worse, with them. Imagine the kind of adults they would grow up to be if as kids their value and intrinsic worth were affirmed by parents who knew the benefits of hearing out their children.

Compared to adults, kids are inexperienced at life, tactless at conversations, and inept at navigating through the ups and downs of their emotional landscape. They do not have prior experiences that they could look to as points of reference for every circumstance and scenario that come their way. They have parents for that. Children look up to adults: moms and dads are the points of reference for instruction, security, and validation.

That's why it is so important that we, as adults, are sensitive to our children's needs and whether or not they are able to articulate their emotions and ideas clearly because if we do not lend an ear to them to let them know that we are aware of and care about what they are going through, we will not be able to effectively convey a sense of stability and safety to their world at an age when they are most vulnerable and impressionable to whatever life throws at them.

So, listen to your kids. Listen without prejudice. Listen to understand. Listen because you love and care for them. Listen to know what's going on in their hearts and minds. Listen because you, dear parent, as the point of reference, have such a great influence over them and the direction they could go in life. Listen. Take the time to lend an ear. You need not agree with everything they are saying or do everything they are asking for. The mere act of hearkening to their voice would already speak volumes of your affections for them and imply their inherent value as human beings.

I am currently a single man in my early 40s and not yet a parent -- at least not biologically. I am not writing this article out of antipathy for parents who may have fallen short in the area of giving their kids a venue for safe conversation and expression. God knows how challenging and demanding being a father and mother can be.

This series of blog posts on parenting is not written to tear parents down, but to hopefully help build them up in areas where they might have experienced difficulty or failure. My perspective comes from the other side of the equation: from kids and teens who have been broken, hurt, rejected, and made to feel worthless whether intentionally or otherwise; from voices that have not been given an avenue of expression; voices that haven't been heard.

I present this perspective to any parent able to find these words.

No judgment. No condemnation. Just truth.

Those who have an ear...

...let them hear what -- and in this case, who -- needs to be heard.