Parental Guidance: The Paternal Pattern

A father plays a major role in the lives of his children.

An understatement?

An overstatement?

Well, whichever your preference, it's a true statement; one that has been poorly heeded, greatly ignored, or severely missed out.

Anyone can biologically sire a child -- we got a lot of that going on these days; but to be a father in every sense of the word is, for sure, such a tall order, which is why many men -- for several varying and valid reasons -- opt out of their responsibilities.

One such responsibility inherent to the paternal role is the privilege of representing the Heavenly Father to his children. This wouldn't be much of a stretch if men, to begin with, had an existing relationship with their Father in Heaven growing up, and have spent their season of singleness practicing being God-conscious in whatever form of relationship they had with other people. But sadly, that isn't the case most of the time.

So, whatever a man learns during his bachelorhood he usually carries over into his role as a husband and, later on, as a father. If one has spent his years of being single getting to know God and following the will of God, that will translate to a husband and a father who, while not perfect, will lean on the Heavenly Father in order to serve his family the way God intended. On the other hand, if one spent their singleness on self-centered pursuits, hobbies, vices, ambitions, and so on, that will also factor into the kind of partner and parent he will become.

DISCLAIMER

As a single man engaged to be married, I have not yet had the privilege of becoming husband and father, but that in no way disqualifies me from presenting this thesis. With a little over a decade of experience handling a small Bible study group of young men, I have seen firsthand the effects of a father's absence in the life of a child: whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually, the lack of a godly paternal pattern for children to emulate and learn from is such a great disadvantage to them.

The time I've spent serving my local church as a pastor of seven years has also afforded me an insider look into the lives of many families devoid of male leadership -- men who have literally and figuratively absconded both their husbandly and fatherly positions -- and the impact that has had on their sons, most of whom ended up in my cell group.

Having these young men in my Bible study group -- and in my life -- has given me a back-end view of fatherhood: I've seen many of them traumatized from having abusive dads -- who thankfully walked out; some of them broken and hurting from harsh and degrading words spoken over them by their parents; and others utterly clueless about their spiritual and future prospects due to a lack of spiritual leadership from their fathers.

A father plays a major role in the lives of his children.

It bears repeating!

THE PATTERN

In the years I've lived my life as a single person -- 43 to be exact -- I haven't always been conscious about living my life before God and how my actions would positively or negatively affect others: I knew there was a God, and I believed in Him; I just didn't make a conscious effort to live within that reality. It was only in my mid-thirties that I started to take my spiritual life seriously and allowed the Lord to fulfill His purposes in my life that I truly began to see and understand 'cause and effect'. 

One of the most important cause-and-effect lessons I've learned from that time onward was about fatherhood, and it trickled into my life through gradual, but increasing, revelations of God as a Father, and of His everlasting love. These divine insights opened my eyes to see that God was not some powerful old man up in the sky waiting with eager anticipation to punish us sinners for whatever recent infraction we've made -- no, He isn't like that at all -- but that He was and is and will always be a loving, benevolent, merciful, provident, and protective Father who longs to be in relationship with His sons and daughters.

He created us in His image and we are His children; and as His children, God has given us the ability and authority to represent Him on the Earth, since He's given us the right to rule over it.

To a smaller degree -- smaller in the sense of sphere size, not in the sense of impact -- the same can be said about God giving men the privilege and authority to represent Him to a man's offspring. A child's first image of God will often be based on how his father modeled the character of God in their household. The subsequent nature of this child's relationship with the Heavenly Father -- if he gets to that level at all -- will also be based on the nature and quality of relationship he has with his earthly father.

This is why a father plays a major role in the lives of his children.

Fathers have such a wonderful and powerful privilege to lead their children to a meaningful and deep relationship with God the Father as they model humility, strength, forgiveness, mercy, compassion, love, and mature faith throughout a child's lifetime -- yes, even when the kids grow old, fathers still have an impact on their being. Again, not that a man has to be perfect in order to be a godly role model to his kids, but that he continues to live out these godly qualities even in his human frailty and limitations. These are the traits and virtues that will seep into a child's heart and mind, and will form their initial mental image of what the Heavenly Father is like.

SPONGE, BUB!

Children have such great capacities to absorb what they hear and see in their environment. So the "do as I say; not what I do" adage is quite a foolish one to dispense on kids because -- whether you like it or not -- sons and daughters will emulate what they observe from adults, particularly their fathers. They soak it up; inordinately... and expeditiously; like little sponges.

Which is why we, as men, need to step up our paternal game, and ideally, long before we even set our sight on a potential lifetime partner.

For unmarried men, the season of singleness should not be one of luxuriant, selfish, or undisciplined living. In fact, if anything, being single should be maximized in getting the most out of a focused relationship with God: the God Who will direct your steps as a young working professional, and on how you can successfully navigate a bachelor's life without losing your soul to the world in the process.

Let your unmarried years be a time of spiritual preparation for your future spiritual responsibilities as a husband and father. Allow God to deal with your own father issues, bring healing to your soul if you've been hurt by your dad, and mold you to become the man He designed you to be.

Go deeper into the Bible to get to know God better: not just as the Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent King of the universe, but also as the loving, caring, and generous Father Who only has wonderful and positive thoughts toward us. Learn Scripture  to deepen your relationship with the Father because that in turn will help you become a godly father to your kids someday.

Permit God to transform you into the image of Christ, Who is the visible image of the Father. Don't be passive about your character; be intentional about it and let God do His work. It will be worth it when the time comes.

As a single person, soak everything up as much as you can: receive every spiritual blessing that God, in Jesus Christ, has already released for you; learn Who the Father is and what He is like, and learn who you are as God made you to be, not what the world says you are or what you yourself say you are.

MEN OF VALOR

For married men and fathers, by now you already probably know what fatherhood is like (if you already have kids), or are excitedly looking forward to be one... or perhaps not. Either way, this is for you.

Kudos to the men who took up the authority and the responsibility of fatherhood. I know it is challenging -- from looking at my own father's life, and from looking at the condition of my spiritual sons' lives. I can only imagine the levels of patience, understanding, compassion, strength, and firmness you have extended to your kids. Congratulations and God bless you, Men of God! May you continue to be an example not just to your children, but also to other men raising up their own offspring.

For the struggling fathers: whether you're struggling because you feel inadequate and overwhelmed, or you're struggling because you've failed in some area of parenting, take heart! If you're struggling it means you're alive, willing to improve, and trying your best; and that's a good place to be in. Be teachable and be humble. We are all inadequate in different areas of life, so embrace that as you embrace the strength of the Heavenly Father Whose power is made perfect in our weakness. And for any mistake or failure you've had as a father, know that God's grace is there to not only help you recover from your shortcomings, but to also strengthen and enable you to do what is right moving forward.

Plus, it'll be a great teaching moment for your kids when they see that you've practiced humility and worked on an area of improvement. Remember, God is first and foremost the Father of your children; so if you want to be better at taking care of the kids God entrusted to you, you can be sure that He will be all out in supporting you.

THE DEPARTED

It is a tragedy of epic proportions when a father leaves a family. And while this article is not written to condemn those who have, it is meant to highlight the consequences of a fatherless home, and more importantly, a fatherless child.

While being considerate and compassionate toward men who left their families -- for whatever reason they may have had -- we have to also take into account that a child's emotional growth, and his perception of the Heavenly Father will be significantly impacted by that departure.

Better still if men never left at all; if men were more intentional about their anticipated married lives and actually prepared for parental responsibilities before those came around; if men, early on in life, knew and were firmly established on a genuine relationship with the Heavenly Father.

But we do live in a broken world with broken people populating it. So we just have to do the best we can with what we have and how we've been brought up.

Thankfully, God, His Word, and His Spirit are more powerful and more enduring than any father issue we may have had; stronger than any paternal inadequacies we may bear; and able to effectively and efficiently nurture and guide our sons and daughters to maturity.

And fathers, as family experts would say about parenting, 'just show up'.

God certainly does.